One of my biggest fears is that I’ll end up alone. I can guarantee you that I will be the most terrible and the most amazing girlfriend at the same time. Not that you’ll even be able to arrive at this stage with me. At least not easily. I have ridiculously high standards that even I cannot change. I also have very high expectations. No double standards though, I’m prepared to meet you there halfway. But then, I also know very few people would be able to do their part as efficiently as I expect them to.
Initially, I will dismiss you. I won’t engage into long, lively conversations with you and leave abruptly. I’m sorry, but that’s how I am. I don’t like to deal with people that don’t immediately grasp my interest. There are hardly any people who do. Most of the people I encounter seem plain and boring and…bland. They talk about the same things, and react in a predictable manner. Their predictability sickens me. I crave someone with a fire burning in their heart; someone who isn’t afraid to be who they are, and are passionate about something.
And don’t you dare to flirt with me. I find flirting ridiculous and childish. I cannot flirt with random people. It feels unnatural and wrong. I might do it if I actually like you, or find you attractive. But probably not. If you do, I will dismiss you rudely. If you continue to pester me I shall damage your ego. If you come to me with your cheesy pick-up lines, I will probably stop replying and/or insult you.
So now that we have established that you cannot come close to me by flirting with me and/or engaging in pointless conversations, I shall tell you how anyone can hope to establish intimacy. Talk to me. Yes, that’s all it’ll take. Just talk to me. Talk to me about the things that confuse you about this world. Talk to me about your dreams, and hopes, and ambitions. Tell me about the girl who broke your heart, and how you lived with it. Reveal the thoughts that haunt you late in the night, when you’re all alone. I cannot talk about the things people talk about every day. I need something significant. I want to feel that the conversation we are having is important; that you are giving me a part of your soul as you choose to divulge the intricate details of your life.
And so as the days go on, I might end up falling head over heels for you. The thought of love does scare me but it also intrigues me. I don’t hold myself back when it comes to my feelings. I embrace it, letting it engulf me. Until it’s the salty water, and I’m the drowning man at the sea. But before this happens, I will ask myself—“Is he worth it?” And you must be worth it. I can’t invest so much time, and thought, and well, myself, for someone who just doesn’t have all the qualities I so desperately seek. I want to know I’m not wasting my time when I decide to feel for you. I need to know that all this confusion, and pain, and pleasure is not in vain. That in fact, I will be rewarded with happiness when the time comes. If you prove to be unworthy of my love, I shall slowly distance myself from you, until your very essence from life has vanished. Feelings are dangerous. They make you vulnerable. I’d rather not put myself in such a position.
However, if I deem you worthy of the tsunami of feelings in my heart, I shall accept you completely. I shall accept you for who you are, and love you all the more for it. I will try my best to make you happy and avoid conflicts. I will give you pieces of me you so desperately crave. I will give you space and be there for when you need me. I will support you in all your logical endeavors and never let your ambitions suffer. However, I expect the same in return. This is where the high expectations come in. Let me be independent, but still be there for me. Leave me alone but don’t make me feel lonely. Kiss me all the fucking time. Do it in front of people. Let them know I’m yours. Show them that you’re fucking proud to have me. Don’t pamper me like a princess. Treat me like your queen. Don’t expect me to follow you around, and leave behind my own dreams, just like I don’t expect you to. Fight for it, fight for this relationship. Make me believe it’s worth fighting for. Be there for me after a tiring day. Let me snuggle in your arms as I slowly fall asleep.
It’s a lot to expect. Especially since I am not without faults. I might act unreasonable sometimes. I will probably not back down from a fight, and won’t accept defeat. I won’t tell you I’m angry, I’ll let you figure it out. Sometimes I’ll explode in the blink of an eye. I’ll walk away without turning back, and make you feel I’ve let you go (when it’s really the opposite) I might lock myself away in my shell, distancing myself from you for days. But please remember it’s only a phase. I am still the girl you fell in love with.
In the future if you choose to walk away, to let go. I will pretend for months and years that I’m completely fine when in fact I’m breaking inside. One day my willpower will break and I will come to you. I will react explosively when you choose to not take me back. I will scream, cry and thrash. I will spends weeks and months writing sad poetry, while I maintain a serene façade in front of the world. Finally one day it will click, and I will let go of you in all senses. A part of your soul will remain encased in mine. But I will learn to live without you again.
© Copyright Shreya Pandey